This is my third post of the day.....I only intended one but here we are.
A little different this time, I'd like to share something that could be tragic but currently has become hilarious at least to me. So yay, bonus blog post.....ironically free.....my thoughts offered to anyone who wants to read them. What a bargain. Interestingly, I'm not in any way depressed but just stating what has happened and how I feel about it. Maybe someone else who has gone through long term unemployment could relate......no one I know who is employed knows what this is like hence my desire to share.
After writing and posting my 2nd post of the day, I attempted to send an update to my wonderful subscribers but unfortunately May is a long month and my website platform only allows me to send a limited number of subscription emails per month and I've run out (because the platform counted two false emails last week when their site was down) so my next update email has to wait till early June. I was hoping in my update email to alert people to my new online shop because I'd love to make a sale because I'm dirt poor.....funny isn't it....not allowed to email subscribers about new shop which could help me earn money because I can't afford to upgrade and because they count failed emails as used up emails. Sigh.
Earlier last week, I was rejected from a job I really wanted that I was well suited for too.....being an artist! Do you want to know the reason I was rejected? It was because the interviewer felt that I was nervous......so I was rejected because of appearing nervous. My abilities were perfectly matched to the position but they rejected me for something that had nothing to do with the job itself......and let me point out that shortly before interviewing with them, I'd just climbed four flights of stairs to reach the room so what they perceived as nervousness was actually what I look like after climbing four flights of stairs in a hurry.
A few months ago, I applied to a model making shop here in London because I'm a model maker and know the material really well and thought I'd be a great match which again I was.......but after a trial day in which I did everything that was asked of me, I was told that the reason they were not hiring me was because I was too interested in the job.........most model makers are interested in model making shops. I thought the point of the job was to have an interest in the products and what they do.
A short while ago, I interviewed with the National Theatre to get further experience in the props department but was told in the interview by the interviewer, "that no company would waste their time with someone this close to retirement age".......this from an interviewer much older than my 42 years! When I reported them for agism, I was curtly told that I'd "misheard" and that was it.
I get hundreds of job rejections every month so I'm very used to them and not many bother me anymore but these stick out as being memorable and perplexing. I've been looking for a job since 2013 now and still can't believe I'm still unemployed. Each month, I have my CV re-evaluated to check to see if I'm doing anything wrong. I suppose this is tragic, isn't it.
Everything feels like a scheme to make some form of income but everything I try to set up has a way of keeping me just barely above the surface so that I'm able to use my benefits to pay rent but literally nothing else.
It seems hilarious that I've run out of subscription emails to send out at the time that I'd like to share my new online shop which if I made any sales, could help me pay some bills. Thank goodness for meetup and the occasional teaching I do as the little cash that I get is helping me fund groceries so I'm not likely to starve anytime soon which is a bonus. The only downside and yet another irony is that when I report this to the jobcentre in two weeks, they'll deduct what I've earned from my benefits and I'll be poorer than when I began. Do I laugh here perhaps?
My shoes are falling apart and leak when it rains. My clothes are becoming threadbare but I have this idiotic artistic talent that doesn't do anything for me. When I try to sell my artwork or prints of my artwork, no one buys it. But yet I need to keep making art because the action of creating something is equal to circulating my blood......maybe I can sell my blood? Or is that going too far?
I'm rich in other ways......I'm making wonderful friends via meetup and at home and I'm full of ideas for more schemes and I'm staying positive which are all free things that I have in abundance so in this sense I'm so wealthy! I am grateful but what did I do in my past life to make this one so difficult? Will I ever have a stable income again?
So I put in this blog post my heart and my thoughts to anyone who wants to read it. I'm not looking for pity or anything really. Just that....this is me.....the owner of this blog....being real. Maybe that's why creating is so magical, because I can dissolve completely into a world that is entirely my own and thank goodness my imagination is free and not deducted from some benefit somewhere.
Today my imagination has been involved in botanical studies in watercolour which has been fun but not as much fun as making miniature rooms. I want to find a Hammershoi painting here in London to study but I don't know how to begin to look. His paintings inspire me so much in my model making. Tomorrow after my meetup to the toy museum, I'm going to work on one of my big miniatures. I'll put pictures up at the top of this post to cheer it up a bit. If I was tiny, like the Borrowers, I'd be able to live in my miniatures.....how wonderful that would be.....though I'd have to invite all my meetup friends there so they'd have to shrink too. Would be a fun meetup in a miniature room!
Thank you for reading this unusual "reality check" bonus post! I wonder if it will shock anyone? Or maybe someone will relate to it?
My name is Franceska McCullough and I'm the owner and artist of Toothpickmoon. Here I will share my studio practice in all it's forms.
*Disclosure: The links I'm using on this blog will only ever relate to the products I myself use in my own practice.